Ramen Noodles and Alcohol Pads

Chicken noodle ramen smells like celery. Celery doesnt even smell like celery, but chicken noodle ramen does. I just ate some and caughed while it was in my mouth and noodles got sucked up my nose. It was very uncomfortable and burned. It felt like a backwards boogie. I had to suck it back in my mouth. I also had to eat it with a spoon, becasue aparently the company I work for does not believe in forks. I prefer to eat it with a fork and a spoon, like a true Italian. But tonight, actually, more often than not when I am working, I have to eat it with just a spoon. It is not very easy. Luckily I am alone and no one is here to make fun of me. I guess it is unfortunate, since now I have to make fun of myself and I am almost to lazy to even do that. Management around here is a little out of wack. A few weeks ago I was gauging my ears and I had a blow out in one. It bled for like 4 days and was all infected and pussy. We have this drawer of medical supplies and I decided that it would be a good idea to clean it up with some alcohol pads. I did this for about three days before I realized that the alcohol pads expired in 2004. Seven years ago. yep. I was in highschool when these things expired. I could be a fucking doctor by now. I could have a seven year old kid. But I'm not. I'm a 7th year college student working at a ski resort in colorado. So I tell my manager, "Hey, you know these alcohol pads expired seven years ago?" She goes, "I wouldnt worry about it, its alcohol, it doesnt expire, its good forever". Well then why the fuck does it have an experation date on it? Maybe the alcohol is ok but what about the pad? Gauze expires. What about the foil wrapping? What if it decays after 7 years??? Well whatever I dont care. I really didn't I actually pocketed a bunch to take home and kept using it. I figured I would help speed up the process to get the office some new ones. I should mention I am addicted to the news. I fall asleep to it on TV, I check it online through out the day, and at night while I'm working, I listen to my favorite show, Coast to Coast AM... yep.. AM radio... I'm old school. So it was a coast to coast night. George Noorey always starts out with the news. Top story, Alcohol pads being recalled in colorado. Infected pads are causing deaths. Well thats nice to know since I've been using them like three times a day all week long. Then I realized, this place doesnt give a shit. If I was in real danger these things would have been recalled seven fucking years ago. I guess its a good thing my managers dont give a shit. If they did, I would be dead. so... um... thanks? I will just go ahead and assume there is a recall going on for plastic forks...

I'll dream another dream of you because thats all that i can do!

I have this skirt. Its gray and has white flowers with little holes trimming the bottom. I bought it... somewhere in New Jersey a few years ago. It was like $40. I really like this skirt. I like it so much that I wear it with jeans sometimes when its cold out and I feel like wearing a skirt. Because thats the way I roll.

So today (I work graves so I sleep during the day) I have this dream about my fucking skirt! I dream that I'm in this gigantic mall, like the biggest mall I've ever seen in my life, and I know I have seen this mall before, I've dreamed about it, I know because some of the little pieces of my dream were reruns. I was having memories inside this mall of times when I had been in there before in other dreams. I guess its my dream mall, but anyway, it was HUGE, and some how I sort of knew my way around.

So I'm with my mom and some boy who I dont remember. Someone stupid and a little bit brain dead. We all get seperated, and were all doing our own shopping. I have a date that night, and I decide that I want to wear my skirt, but I need to find a shirt to wear with it. Some how this date turns into me going to work, and I need a shirt to wear to work, but in my mind I still think I'm going on a date. Maybe its one of those late night work dates that I pull around here sometimes, getting my potential hotties to come to my office and watch movies with me. My stand in boyfriend used to do it all the time. Whenever I got caught I would say that my penguin turned into a real boy like Pinochio. I dont know how I got away with it, and I dont know who the office date dream boy was, but I needed to get a shirt.

I remember that I went to all these stores in the mall looking. It started out casually at first, but then as time was ticking I had to run through the mall so I could get to work in time. At some point I realize that I lost my skirt. How? I dont know. So I have to back track through the mall to find it because I love that skirt! I love it so much that I'm having a dream about it lol. I'm running through all the stores looking through their skirts because im convinced that some how it got put back up on a shelf. I see my mom while I'm running and tell her to help me look and she gets all bitchy. I think to myself whatever because who knows where that boy I came there with is, and in my dream there were no cell phones. Eventually I realize I've been wearing the skirt the whole time and have to go to work.

Now this is the tricky part becase I dont remember if this was part of my dream or part of another dream I had. I guess its rerun season in my dreams. I get to wrok, but I'm not working my job in colorado, I'm doing dispatch in california for the security company. I'm graves security. I'm late and people are waiting for me. My office isnt where it usually is. Its been moved into someone elses office, and I sit there and wait for them to leave. But I dont remember them leaving, and thats as far as it goes. I wake up and want to wear my skirt. But I have to go to work so I cant. But I see it in my closet and it makes me smile. I cant wait to get to jersey and get the rest of my skirts from my closet. I cant wait to get to humboldt and wear them <3<3

Your Vacation, My Hell

I work graves. In my native New Jersey its called "grave yard shift" But here in Colorado it's "graves". I work graves, like I work the pole. A guy from Alabama once asked me if I worked the pole, I thought it was an insult, then I realized it was actually a compliment. Then he passed out and wet the bed we were sleeping in. That was gross, and probably not the last you will hear of him, but like I said, this place is nothing but anomosity.

So I work graves alone. Sometimes Phil comes with me, hes my penguin, and my boyfrined. We're in an open relationship. So if another penguin happens to come along and Phil falls in love, I wont mind. This resort basically shuts down after 1:00. At that point its just me, sometimes Phil when he's not home drinking, and some other characters who I never see, but talk to a lot on the phone. I have a lot of these friends, phone buddies who I never really see. Patrick works graves at the lodge front desk. He is my favorite because we have the same birthday and that's rad. So tonight it was me, Phil, Patrick, and the one graves agent of the emergency services.

Tonight was a shit show. I've heard that term before but never used it, but tonight was deserving. It must have been a full moon. They say that the full moon is tomorrow night and its supposed to be the closest full moon to Earth in like a billion years. In my opinion tonight was crazy because the moon is getting fuller. It's probably the size of a regular full moon, but they don't call it full because its not full enough. For this I am frightened about coming to work tomorrow night. or tonight. my days are lost.

Four incidents. Four crazies who think the world needs to stop for their vacation. Vacation is just a part of life, and life is suffering, so don't think its going to stop just because you took a day off and made a road trip.

Usually I get one or two crazies a night. None if I'm lucky. Not tonight, tonight I get four.

#1) A man calls demanding we tow all the vehicles from his parking lot that are parked in the handicap spots because his mother, who is handicap, has no place to park. We don't tow. We put warnings out, but I felt bad for this lady so I dispatched my emergency services so that she could have a place to park in the morning. My agent calls me back. He tells me there is no handicap parking in that area, and that there are plenty of parking spots right in front of the unit. Ok.... weird. Then the guy calls back. He is furious because his rental unit is not handicap accessible. He is also furious because the housekeepers did not come today. In fact they didn't come yesterday either. In fact when he arrived his room was not cleaned at all. None of the beds were made, but apparently he thought it was ok so he he had his whole family sleep in dirty beds for three days. "Ok sir, I can send you sheets now, and I will send housekeeping over first thing in the morning." He says don't bother, hes leaving tomorrow. But he would stay later if we gave him a special rate for his troubles. His troubles that he never reported, that he seemed to be fine with until the night before his departure when he decided he wanted to stay another day, but only if it was free. Get out of here, you are out of your mind, go fishing for freebies somewhere else crazy.

#2)  A woman calls. She is an owner who just checked in and is EXTREMELY upset about the condition of her unit.  Extremely to the point of hysteria. I don't know if she thinks that I am a traveling receptionist with a back back filled with wood glue and Mr. Clean but if she does she is out of her mind. She screams, "My unit is destroyed! It was never cleaned! There are blood stains on the sheets! What does housekeeping do? Are they real? Are they a joke? There is trash all over my unit, my furniture is destroyed, my vacuum is missing, my humidifier is broken in pieces, and my furniture is MISSING! I went to the garage to take out the trash that was all over the room and I found my bar stool! It was broken and thrown in the trash, and the trash hasn't been taken out in months! I know you're keeping half of the rental fee but what the hell are you doing with it? Your sure as hell not spending it on cleaning!" The only thing I could do for her, at 1:00 in the morning, was send her sheets. She insisted I send 6 brand new pillows because she no longer trusted the pillows in her unit. My delivery guy came back saying there was two drops of blood on one pillow case and the rest of the house was immaculate. She screamed at him that it was his responsibility to clean her entire house right then and repair the damaged furniture. She also demanded that the resort replace her pull out couch immediately which was now flat from so many renters sleeping on it. Yeah right, like any of that is going happen. Dream on.

#3) A woman calls. A sweet sounding little old lady who can't figure out how to work her thermostat. She says its sweltering and the unit will not cool down. I tell her to open the window. She refuses. She says she tried to open the window but they don't open. She demands I send maintenance. I have no maintenance, it's 2am. Everyone left at 1.  "Ma'am, all of the windows open, if they didn't that would be a fire hazard. Try unlocking them". After 5 minutes of holding and listening to her yell at her deaf husband she returns "Oh ok, that worked. Goodnight". Another 5 minutes later I get a call from the same woman SCREAMING, but I have no idea it's the same woman and am baffled as to why she is screaming. How could it have been the same lady? She sounded like she was going to bake me cookies before and now she sounds like she's going to hunt me down and kill me! "You REFUSED to fix my heater and made me open a window, now there is a dog barking and I can't sleep!" "Ok ma'am I will dispatch the emergency services for a noise complaint." "NO YOU WILL NOT!!!! You will move me to another room RIGHT NOW!" I explain to her, "Ma'am I can do that, but the rate you paid for the room is specific to the area that you're in. I can move you, but you will still be in the same neighborhood and still be able to hear this dog" "I DON'T CARE, MOVE ME!" ok crazy. So I tell her I will call her back when I have a room. I find the room. I call her back. Her phone is off the hook. I call again and again. Straight to answering machine every time. I give up. I guess she doesn't want to move that bad? Shoot me.

#4) Patrick calls from the lodge. He has a condo guest who locked their keys inside of a unit we don't manage. He also has some document that is like older than my mom that says I am supposed to wake my manager up in the middle of the night to take care of this. No Patrick, you're crazy, that's an ES call. So I call my emergency services agent who has nothing to do but drive around and pretend he's busy, which is exactly what he was doing. He said he can't help, its not his job. Call my manger. I will call my manager, and he's gonna call you and freak out, then it wont be my problem anymore. good idea.  So I do and of course he freaks out because he is sleeping and ES refuses to do their job, and the lodge is going by a document that's as old as the resort. He calls the ES agent who says that his key doesn't open units we don't manage... even though they are on our property??? So my manager drives from like an hour away to let this guy back in the room. When he gets to the room the door is wide open. He knocks and no one answers, he yells and no one answers. Then this big fat sweaty guy comes staggering around the corner all drenched and huffing and puffing like hes about to die and says he was out chasing his dog. "My manager is like do you live here? how did you get in? I thought you locked your key inside?" "I found a key outside and it got me in" "I thought you locked your key inside?" yeah asshole so did I wtf? No one knows. this still remains a mystery. And thanks a lot for calling us to let us know you got back inside.... You want the world to stop for you then when it does your not gonna tell anyone so we can start the Earth's rotation back up for the rest of the planet???? come on dude... for real?  And your not even allowed to have dogs here wtf???

But at least we figured out where the dog barking was coming from that turned Mrs. Santa Clause into a psychopath. And Mrs. Clause- Thanks for telling me you didn't need that room move anymore. It's no big deal, I don't mind playing resort jenga, picking through every room till I find the perfect one for you and your super sonic hearing. No, I don't have homework to do or reports to write. I don't utilize my down time earning my degree so I can make the world a better place. Nah, I just sit alone and talk to a stuffed penguin and wait to save the elite from their catastrophic vacation disaster. I sit at a desk with a button that turns the earths rotation on and off just for you. For all of you. I am deep underground in my cubicle in hell. waiting to fluffin your pillows and wipe your butt. FML.

My friend Mckenzie always tells me that I told these amazing stories back when I was in highschool, and I kinda remember but don't know what happened and why the little things just aren't as amazing as they used to be. I just dont write too much anymore, and I should, after digging myself $100,000 indebt to various colleges around the nation for this glamerous creative writing degree that I have no idea what to do with. I didn't really want to go to college, I just wanted to travel! So over the past 7 years I have some what successfully managed to travel the country while slowly obtaining my degree, or what I like to call my BA in BS. What else does creative writing teach besides lies? So I dont know what this blog is for yet, just a reason for me to write, I am currently working at a ski resort in Colorado, the name of which I will not mention, possibly to save myself from future lawsuits in the event that this blog acheives it's awesomeness. But insanity is a regular occurance here, between the guests and the employees, and outside of work just residing in this resort community is completly bunk and chaotic to say the least. Plug for my favorite word- Anamosity. So I present to you my blog on what I have come to know as the Jetset, Jetpack, Drinking Jetfuel Life.  Enjoy.