I work graves. In my native New Jersey its called "grave yard shift" But here in Colorado it's "graves". I work graves, like I work the pole. A guy from Alabama once asked me if I worked the pole, I thought it was an insult, then I realized it was actually a compliment. Then he passed out and wet the bed we were sleeping in. That was gross, and probably not the last you will hear of him, but like I said, this place is nothing but anomosity.
So I work graves alone. Sometimes Phil comes with me, hes my penguin, and my boyfrined. We're in an open relationship. So if another penguin happens to come along and Phil falls in love, I wont mind. This resort basically shuts down after 1:00. At that point its just me, sometimes Phil when he's not home drinking, and some other characters who I never see, but talk to a lot on the phone. I have a lot of these friends, phone buddies who I never really see. Patrick works graves at the lodge front desk. He is my favorite because we have the same birthday and that's rad. So tonight it was me, Phil, Patrick, and the one graves agent of the emergency services.
Tonight was a shit show. I've heard that term before but never used it, but tonight was deserving. It must have been a full moon. They say that the full moon is tomorrow night and its supposed to be the closest full moon to Earth in like a billion years. In my opinion tonight was crazy because the moon is getting fuller. It's probably the size of a regular full moon, but they don't call it full because its not full enough. For this I am frightened about coming to work tomorrow night. or tonight. my days are lost.
Four incidents. Four crazies who think the world needs to stop for their vacation. Vacation is just a part of life, and life is suffering, so don't think its going to stop just because you took a day off and made a road trip.
Usually I get one or two crazies a night. None if I'm lucky. Not tonight, tonight I get four.
#1) A man calls demanding we tow all the vehicles from his parking lot that are parked in the handicap spots because his mother, who is handicap, has no place to park. We don't tow. We put warnings out, but I felt bad for this lady so I dispatched my emergency services so that she could have a place to park in the morning. My agent calls me back. He tells me there is no handicap parking in that area, and that there are plenty of parking spots right in front of the unit. Ok.... weird. Then the guy calls back. He is furious because his rental unit is not handicap accessible. He is also furious because the housekeepers did not come today. In fact they didn't come yesterday either. In fact when he arrived his room was not cleaned at all. None of the beds were made, but apparently he thought it was ok so he he had his whole family sleep in dirty beds for three days. "Ok sir, I can send you sheets now, and I will send housekeeping over first thing in the morning." He says don't bother, hes leaving tomorrow. But he would stay later if we gave him a special rate for his troubles. His troubles that he never reported, that he seemed to be fine with until the night before his departure when he decided he wanted to stay another day, but only if it was free. Get out of here, you are out of your mind, go fishing for freebies somewhere else crazy.
#2) A woman calls. She is an owner who just checked in and is EXTREMELY upset about the condition of her unit. Extremely to the point of hysteria. I don't know if she thinks that I am a traveling receptionist with a back back filled with wood glue and Mr. Clean but if she does she is out of her mind. She screams, "My unit is destroyed! It was never cleaned! There are blood stains on the sheets! What does housekeeping do? Are they real? Are they a joke? There is trash all over my unit, my furniture is destroyed, my vacuum is missing, my humidifier is broken in pieces, and my furniture is MISSING! I went to the garage to take out the trash that was all over the room and I found my bar stool! It was broken and thrown in the trash, and the trash hasn't been taken out in months! I know you're keeping half of the rental fee but what the hell are you doing with it? Your sure as hell not spending it on cleaning!" The only thing I could do for her, at 1:00 in the morning, was send her sheets. She insisted I send 6 brand new pillows because she no longer trusted the pillows in her unit. My delivery guy came back saying there was two drops of blood on one pillow case and the rest of the house was immaculate. She screamed at him that it was his responsibility to clean her entire house right then and repair the damaged furniture. She also demanded that the resort replace her pull out couch immediately which was now flat from so many renters sleeping on it. Yeah right, like any of that is going happen. Dream on.
#3) A woman calls. A sweet sounding little old lady who can't figure out how to work her thermostat. She says its sweltering and the unit will not cool down. I tell her to open the window. She refuses. She says she tried to open the window but they don't open. She demands I send maintenance. I have no maintenance, it's 2am. Everyone left at 1. "Ma'am, all of the windows open, if they didn't that would be a fire hazard. Try unlocking them". After 5 minutes of holding and listening to her yell at her deaf husband she returns "Oh ok, that worked. Goodnight". Another 5 minutes later I get a call from the same woman SCREAMING, but I have no idea it's the same woman and am baffled as to why she is screaming. How could it have been the same lady? She sounded like she was going to bake me cookies before and now she sounds like she's going to hunt me down and kill me! "You REFUSED to fix my heater and made me open a window, now there is a dog barking and I can't sleep!" "Ok ma'am I will dispatch the emergency services for a noise complaint." "NO YOU WILL NOT!!!! You will move me to another room RIGHT NOW!" I explain to her, "Ma'am I can do that, but the rate you paid for the room is specific to the area that you're in. I can move you, but you will still be in the same neighborhood and still be able to hear this dog" "I DON'T CARE, MOVE ME!" ok crazy. So I tell her I will call her back when I have a room. I find the room. I call her back. Her phone is off the hook. I call again and again. Straight to answering machine every time. I give up. I guess she doesn't want to move that bad? Shoot me.
#4) Patrick calls from the lodge. He has a condo guest who locked their keys inside of a unit we don't manage. He also has some document that is like older than my mom that says I am supposed to wake my manager up in the middle of the night to take care of this. No Patrick, you're crazy, that's an ES call. So I call my emergency services agent who has nothing to do but drive around and pretend he's busy, which is exactly what he was doing. He said he can't help, its not his job. Call my manger. I will call my manager, and he's gonna call you and freak out, then it wont be my problem anymore. good idea. So I do and of course he freaks out because he is sleeping and ES refuses to do their job, and the lodge is going by a document that's as old as the resort. He calls the ES agent who says that his key doesn't open units we don't manage... even though they are on our property??? So my manager drives from like an hour away to let this guy back in the room. When he gets to the room the door is wide open. He knocks and no one answers, he yells and no one answers. Then this big fat sweaty guy comes staggering around the corner all drenched and huffing and puffing like hes about to die and says he was out chasing his dog. "My manager is like do you live here? how did you get in? I thought you locked your key inside?" "I found a key outside and it got me in" "I thought you locked your key inside?" yeah asshole so did I wtf? No one knows. this still remains a mystery. And thanks a lot for calling us to let us know you got back inside.... You want the world to stop for you then when it does your not gonna tell anyone so we can start the Earth's rotation back up for the rest of the planet???? come on dude... for real? And your not even allowed to have dogs here wtf???
But at least we figured out where the dog barking was coming from that turned Mrs. Santa Clause into a psychopath. And Mrs. Clause- Thanks for telling me you didn't need that room move anymore. It's no big deal, I don't mind playing resort jenga, picking through every room till I find the perfect one for you and your super sonic hearing. No, I don't have homework to do or reports to write. I don't utilize my down time earning my degree so I can make the world a better place. Nah, I just sit alone and talk to a stuffed penguin and wait to save the elite from their catastrophic vacation disaster. I sit at a desk with a button that turns the earths rotation on and off just for you. For all of you. I am deep underground in my cubicle in hell. waiting to fluffin your pillows and wipe your butt. FML.
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